


I Love You, Don't Touch Me

by fangirlSevera



Category: Re-Animator (1985)
Genre: Asexuality, Humor, M/M, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-14
Updated: 2012-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-31 04:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/339931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlSevera/pseuds/fangirlSevera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan tries to have a conventional Valentine's Day with his unconventional partner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Love You, Don't Touch Me

The break room tables were covered in little red confetti. Herbert swept them on the floor before sitting down. "If they're going to decorate with hearts, they ought to be anatomically correct. We're a hospital, aren't we?"

"Really, Herbert, that's the aspect of Valentine's Day you're going to bitch about?"

"Not the only one, no. Want to hear more?"

"Let me guess, you have a well-rehearsed rant about the celebration of 'those irrational, softer feelings that we're better off without.'"

"I don't rehearse it."

"I overheard you practicing in the bathroom mirror."

"You're not planning anything are you?"

"Of course I am. I've got rose petals on stand-by and bought you sexy lingerie."

Herbert choked on his coffee. Dan calmly waited for the coughing to stop, slightly amused by the shade of red Herbert's face was turning. "You better be joking!" Herbert finally managed to gasp.

"The lingerie? Yes. The petals? No comment."

Herbert stood to get some water from the sink. "Please stop," he said, after taking a drink and managing a deep breath.

"Come on, it wouldn't kill you to indulge in a little romance!"

"The mere thought of what you're suggesting is making my skin crawl."

Of course. The walking dead? Nothing. The thought of scattered rose petals on the bed, _that_ gives Herbert West the heebie-jeebies. But Dan had spent the majority if not the entirety of their acquaintance acquiescing to Herbert's whims. It was about time Herbert returned the favor. 

Dan hid his grin behind his Styrofoam cup as Bugs Bunny came to mind saying, "Of course you realize this means war!"

* * *

Herbert had fallen asleep in the basement. Dan had come to learn that his partner rarely actually slept; he just kept going until he eventually passed out wherever he happened to be sitting. There were a couple times it had happened while standing. The most memorable was one morning Dan was in the kitchen when Herbert came stumbling in. He had been in the middle of demanding coffee when he just fell over. Herbert never thanked Dan for picking him up and getting him into bed instead of just leaving him where he lay.

"Heeeerbert," Dan sing-songed in his ear. "Coooffeee."

"Hnnh." Herbert's fingers crawled in the direction the scent of coffee was coming from. Dan set the mug down within his reach. Herbert grabbed it and slid it next to his head. He made no other move.

"If you come upstairs, I'll make you pancakes."

Herbert snorted. "Since when do you make breakfast for me?" He mumbled into the table.

"Since today."

Herbert groaned as he finally sat-up, bones in his neck cracking. "Why, what's so special about today? It's not my birthday again already, is it?" He downed half the hot drink in two large, fast gulps that made Dan flinch. The rush of caffeine kick-started his brain. "Oh! Wait... So that's what you're up to. Then no, I don't want your pancakes."

"You're refusing breakfast on principle?"

Herbert drained the rest of the mug. "Yes. You probably managed to make them into disgusting, cutesy heart shapes."

"If it makes you feel better, I have no idea how to do that."

"It doesn't. Keep your 'special' food away from me. In fact, don't give me anything, do anything to me, don't even touch me if it's at all in the name of this so-called 'holiday.'"

Dan held up in his hands in surrender. "Okay, fine. Breakfast is canceled. But you should go shower before work. You smell of musty cellar."

Dan went ahead and made pancakes for himself. He had to admit, he wasn't very good at it and had to smother his plate in syrup to make it palatable. He was rinsing his dishes when he could hear Herbert coming out of the basement and up the stairs. A minute later, the old pipes rattled as the shower started. 

Dan grinned. Round two.

The lock on the bathroom door never worked. Dan pressed his ear to the wood to try and determine whether or not Herbert was actually in the shower yet. He figured he had given him enough time and silently entered. He just as silently removed all his clothes and left them in a pile on the floor. He not so quietly pulled back the curtain and asked, "Room for one more?"

Herbert started and spluttered. Dan decided that was a "yes."

"What the hell are you doing?" Herbert demanded, squinting through the water.

"Come on, people shower together all the time. It's sexy." Just like how Herbert was looking without his glasses and all wet...

Herbert took a step back and away from Dan. "Stop it! Stop trying to force your romance on me!"

"I'll wash your hair and you can scrub my back."

Herbert glowered. He took another step back and out of the spray. With a vicious twist he turned the knob all the way to blue. Dan swore and yelped as he was blasted with icy cold water. He jumped out of the shower quickly. He stood on the bath mat, dripping and shivering. 

Steam began to rise from behind the curtain again. Dan could hear Herbert laughing.

At the hospital, doctors, nurses, and patients alike were receiving cards, flowers, and Mylar balloons. At least one tiny teddy bear inhabited every available surface. The break room now had bowls of those nasty sweetheart candies on the tables. 

"You should consider yourself fortunate in your situation," Herbert was saying after remarking on the poor spelling and grammar printed on the chalky hearts. 

"What do you mean?"

"You're not expected to spend money on any of those inane, expensive trivialities." He gave the three women cooing over a particularly ostentatious flower basket a look of disgust.

"I happen to enjoy getting gifts for and spending money on a significant other."

"Oh, you can spend money on me, just not for this kind of rubbish, and especially not on an arbitrarily designated day."

"So, you'd prefer spontaneity?"

"No. I hate surprises."

Dan sat back in the plastic chair, feeling defeated. "What can I do, then? What do you want from me?"

"Just be here. Be useful. Don't get distracted. And don't touch or look at anyone else."

"And what exactly am I getting out of this in return?"

Herbert looked at him like the answer was obvious. "A share in the glory of our scientific discoveries. And I do occasionally let you do other things with me."

"'Let.' Nice."

"Why are you pouting now?"

"Can I get a little enthusiasm from you?"

"I have been plenty enthusiastic...during. It's just not an ever-present desire like it is for _some_. And if you're so desperate for some kind of sign of appreciation, I'm sure it'll please you to know that you're the only person ever in my life to inspire even the smallest hint of interest in that sort of thing." Herbert looked away from Dan and glowered down at his mug as if _it_ had forced the confession out of him.

For Dan's part, it did please him to hear it. It was a nice ego-boost, too. He smiled. "Okay, Herbert, okay. I won't try anything else today. I promise."

"Thank You."

* * *

Six days later, Herbert was having one of those days where there just wasn't enough caffeine in the world. It made him consider grabbing a syringe and reacquainting himself with the sweet jolt of his diluted solution. But if Dan ever found out... His partner wasn't one to give ultimatums, at least not ones that Herbert couldn't easily cajole him out of keeping. The issue of Herbert's addiction, however, Dan had made very clear how strong his feelings were on it. Strong enough to give Herbert pause whenever he wanted to work all night and he knew no coffee, tea, nor soda would get him through.

Their work schedule for the day had Dan and Herbert on different shifts. Dan had been home for hours already. When Herbert entered the house, there was no sign of him. He was probably in the study stressing over bills or something. Herbert trudged up the stairs to his bedroom. He flipped on the light. "What the hell are you doing?" Herbert asked, tiredly slumping against the door frame.

On his now rose petal-littered bed Dan was lying naked, grinning. "Happy President's Day!"

In spite of himself, Herbert laughed. Just a short, small sound that came more from his nose. "You look stupid."

"You're pretty cute, too."

Herbert entered the room fully and made for the bed. "I'm too tired to care right now. Move over." Herbert brushed off as many petals from his side as he could before falling on the mattress. He shifted, trying to get comfortable. He ended up rolling on his side, slinging an arm across Dan's chest. 

"Ah well," Dan said. "Close enough."

**Author's Note:**

> This story is not actually in the Broverse, it doesn't make any allusions to that continuity. At the same time, if you want it to, it could since it's very much done in the same comedic style and timed within a nebulous _Bride of_ era just like my other 'verse.


End file.
